It's 2010 now.

Things haven't changed for the better.

The 4th of July came and went.

Nothing from J.
I guess he doesn't care about his old man very much.
I did tell him it was silly for him to want to quit his job in a recession and move to Fla with no job, no money, and not knowing anyone down there.Maybe he's mad at me about that.

Last December my mom and dad's house burned.My sisters had let the insurance lapse so there's no way to afford to rebuild it.

That house was my home. I could go back there and feel some measure of relief. I was planning to go back there for Christmas and hope I would feel better about things.
Now I don't even have that.
I don't have any money to help my sisters.
It's so bad and so frustrating I could scream.
I tell them to sell the property but they keep ignoring me.
I offered to let them come live with me.They prefer to live in a motel room.
I guess the county will eventually just take the land for unpaid taxes..and that will be the end of it.

D had bonchitis..that turned into pneumonia. I also have it but I am not going to the doctor.I'll survive.D is in the hospital.
Where she can stay a few days and let me have some peace without her.

I am glad to be back with my blog.I hope I can post more often.

It has been a while.Since April.Here I am on a Carnival Cruise ship docked at Nassau the Bahamas.I should never have let D talk me into coming on the cruise.She didn't save enough money for us to have a good time so it's a wasted effort.I've had to push her all over the ship and we had a falling out at the beach at Nassau because I had problems pushing her across the sand.She actually hit me on the arm.So it's over as far as our doing anything else worthwhile on this vacation.I'll never go on vacation with her again.The money would have been much better spent paying bills.
I wish I had never met her.I only got involved with her because I needed someone to look after my kids.I didn't expect J to be such a nucklehead so I can't blame her for his failings. I didn't know she would be so mean to R and get R so intimidated she can't learn to think straight.It's bad.I wanted something good but while D's family has prospered mine has suffered.D has been bad for me and bad for mykids.And that's a shame.
I can look at the guys with the nice looking wives on the ship and think of Rose and wish she were here with me.I envy those guys.God blessed them and he cursed my family for some unexplained reason. I can look at the nice looking young women, the Paris Hilton wannabe in her bikini and the others and remember when Rose was young and beautiful and wipe the tears from my eyes and curse the days since March 12, 2001.It's bad when you lose your manhood and know in your hardest of hearts you're no longer a man .You're scarcely a human being anymore.I've lost all of that.I'm an android.No longer a man.A shadow of my former self.Just holding on for R's sake, for the sake of my daughter as Rose and mom and dad would want me to. That's all I have left.
The NJ detective dropped the case of my friend.I know she's dead.I guessI should have expected a missing persons detective to be incompetent.I tried to help but there's nothing I can do.
Johnia Berry.I don't know what to do there.Check out the medical center down there and try to find out who JA's friends are and hope one of his friends can provide info to solve the case.Put myself at risk and maybe kill two birds with one stone.My legacy, such as it is, so I can end things on a high note.

People I share birthdays with;

Fergie 1975 Hacienda Heights, CAMariah Carey 1970 New York, NYMichael York 1942 Fulmer, Buckinghamshire, EnglandNathan Fillion 1971 Edmonton, AlbertaQuentin Tarantino 1963 Knoxville, TennesseeTalisa Soto 1967 Brooklyn, New York

March 27th was my birthday. I was 50 years old.Hard to believe.But a pretty worthless day.Nothing to celebrate.I don't celebrate anything because nothing is worth celebrating. My coworkers did take me and others with birthdays in that time frame out to lunch and I always appreciate that.

Beautiful pictures of our universe starting with Saturn:

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/popup?id=1884338&content=&page=1

Makes you want to climb into your spaceship and go take a peek....smile.....

I don't know......
I talked to an investigator from NJ today about Christine. I thought I would feel good but I feel sad.I am tired of pain and suffering.Tired of death.If someone killed her that's someone else I liked gone. Why me ? I am not the caped crusader.I am not the person who should be seeking justice for others. Why can't the people who should be doing this be doing this.I know. Sometimes people drop the ball and people like me have to fill in the blanks.But I'm too old and too dispirited for this crime fighting/crime solving to become a second career. Let the people who get paid for this do it. My big heart is getting old and the arteries are blocked.

Sleep driving ?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17610098/

That's weird. I couldn't see myself sleep walking much less sleep driving. I guess some people are susceptible to some autosuggestion to do strange things like walking or driving in their sleep.But not me. We're all different though.

The 12th was the anniversary of Rose's death.My friend C sent me an e card, which was nice. Of course I hate that day.I hate all days.I hate everything I hate myself and my life. If I could turn into the HULK and crack the world like an egg I would. I have all this anger in my heart that I have to look for ways to assuage it.It's somewhat less intense than it use to be.It was very intense at one time.Less so now.But it hasn't gone away.I don't think I want it to.I don't see it an an illness like my doctor does.He thinks in terms of my getting well.I see it as a part of me, like something I have that I can't and shouldn't have removed.It's a part of me I can't do without.

I love astronomy. I use to go out at night when I was young and look at the stars on a cold winter night when the viewing is at its best. Of course I was also a very big science fiction fan at the time.So I would imagine what it would be like to travel there aka star trek or star wars and see all the sights.
Of course I also became a big X-Files fan.The thought of aliens actually being here, visiting the earth and interfering in human affairs is something I'm not convinced of.Yes I channel surf at times and see on cable some of the UFO proponents claiming all sorts of things.But I simply haven't seen anything convincing and I have a very hard time, in the post-Watergate era, buying the assertion that our government is capable of hiding the truth from us about it.If someone actually had a crashed ufo or a dead alien body how could anyone hide it ? Why should they ? The major news/media outlets would pay millions for anything like that. So the person who had the proof would be an instant millionaire and I don't think threats from the US military or politicians/FBI/CIA/UN would prevent anyone from selling the story with the proof to back it up.
Too, if aliens really existed , if they're anything like us they probably would have destroyed themselves or would destroy themselves/their planet once they developed the ability to do so.
The Drake equation:
http://www.seti.org/site/pp.asp?c=ktJ2J9MMIsE&b=179073
describes the likelihood of the existence of other civilizations in the galaxy but it doesn't seem to include the possibility that aliens would kill themselves.As Enrico Fermi, one of the physicists who developed the A-bomb reportedly said , if they existed they would be here I tend to agree, but that doesn't mean they haven't killed themselves.

Of course there's always something weird in the news and this one was too good to pass up:

http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070306/GPG0101/703060562/1207/GPGnews

Man claims to be a werewolf who can change his shape....That's funny.I thought only I could do that. I was a big fan of werewolves. The short-lived Fox tv show "Werewolf" was one of my favorites. There have been various representations of werewolves on the X-Files, Friday the 13th "the series" and other horror/fantasy/science fiction shows and movies. Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman was a recent example of that. An American werewolf in London.An American werewolf in Paris. An American werewolf in...well..Knoxville...hahahahahahaha. Sometimes I wish. I would be a "good werewolf", if such a thing were possible.

Of course we all want to be a hero. Right ? Well, most of us do. Most of us want to be looked up to.Most of us want to "do the Right thing ". D said I am a hero, that I saved her family by moving them away from the gangs and the drugs to placid, well, relatively placid east TN. Of course I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a failure. No amount of platitudes will ever change that. As a 'freebird", Freebird being one of my favorite songs I can't change. I know it's ironic, a little too ironic dontcha' think ?..and yes that's another of my favorite songs, but it's ironic that a song by a southern rock band should be one of my all time favorites.But it is. I know I can't change. Not even God can get me to change.
I have told D that the only thing that could help me would be for me to speak to my lost loved ones.Like Saul talked to Samuel. D says that wasn't Samuel, that was satan or a demon but the bible, as I have pointed out to her, doesn't say that was the devil or one of his minions.It says Saul spoke to Samuel. If you believe in the bible then you must believe what it says is true. So Saul spoke to Samuel.I would like to speak to Rose, mom and dad .I know God would never allow that to happen. That's the only thing that could help me.