I'm going to discuss a variety of things today. Some of them you may approve off..some of them you may not. I would welcome input from anyone as to how to proceed with this blog...and with my life.
Some of you know me.Some of you don't. My real name is Henry..some of you know me as Hank or Wolf or Angrywolf or Riki. Some of them are internet aliases of mine. The internet has been one of the few lifelines I have had in the last 5 years. One of the few refuges ..a place where I can go and let off steam..and find kindred spirits.
My wife was Rose..she died of a heart attack back in 2001.March 12th, 2001. My mom died of cancer in October 2001..Oct 6. My dad died of cancer when I was 17 years old and still in high school.
I suffer major depression from those events.I have been through support groups..therapy at a local mental health clinic..and I was a member of a widow/widower support group.None of that has helped.Yes I was on antidepressant pills....I've have been on three different combinations of pills on various occasions as prescribed by my doctor...but recently I stopped taking them. I feel they have made me too complacent...that they dealt too much with the symptoms I was having and not the issues. I believe , while under the influence of medication..I ignored certain issues that need to be addressed. So I stopped taking them.
So I suffered through a miserable Christmas and New Years. I have every since...I lost my loved ones back in 2001..but I didn't have my medication to assist me this time and it was very difficult. Plus we're in something of a financial crisis..so I didn't have money to buy presents for anybody...not even for myself. I've never been a money grubber..someone preoccupied with making it or spending it. But I really needed it ..to buy things to help me cope and this time I simply didn't have it. I blame myself for that..but I also blame D and her family..I 've spent all my resources taking care of them and now I have nothing left. She has made some very bad decisions as well....spending money on things she shouldn't have and tithing money away to the church when we needed it for other things. D cannot work because of her medical problems..so I am the only source of income we have. So I need to find other ways to make money.The pressure of that need has made my already difficult life even more difficult.
Who is D ? I prefer not to think of D as my wife..although we are married.I feel my wife..was Rose and Rose is dead.D is my help mate..someone I met who I thought would be helpful.I would help her and her family and she would help me. But it has been far too one-sided. I've had to give way too much and not received enough in return. Sometimes I think my sense of compassion will be my undoing and this may be it.I felt compassion for D and her family..so I made it possible for them to come to this city.The grandchildren have grown and prospered.Her daughter has prospered. But I've had to spend all my savings taking care of them.Now I have nothing left. My family hasn't benefitted.My son acted stupid, quit school and moved out.Stupid. He lives with his girlfriend now.I had heard a rumor..she might be pregnant..and I was glad to find out from him when he came to visit Christmas that it wasn't true. As it is I am mortified they are living together.I don't want to slander/libel the poor young woman but to call her plain would be an understatement. Rose would turn over in her grave to know her son was living with that woman but there's nothing I can do.He's over 18 so it's his choice. At least he's still alive.Back when he was going to community college he wrecked two vehicles. He could very easily have been killed but escaped without a scratch. So God was looking out for him. Too bad God hasn't looked out for Rose, mom and dad.
The question of God.I went to middle TN and stood in the rain and the cold on New Years Day and cried at the graves of Rose and mom. I told my old pastor in middle TN that I believe God abandoned us.And I do.I do believe that. We're not suppose to question God but I do.I have no choice but to.Where was he the night of March 12, 2001 ? Where was he while my dad was lying in a coma in the hospital and my mom was moaning in pain in the hospital ? Nowhere to be found. There's nothing good about death.D tried to say that Rose might be better off, or mom and dad might be better off because they're no longer in pain. What nonsense. If they're dead they're dead..to quote the movie "Ben Hur". Yes they're dead, but there's nothing good about it.I suffer.My kids suffer.Our lives have been destroyed. Nothing is good anymore.
How do I cope ? I work. I have a decent job.Not great but decent. I work with fine people.That helps.I don't know what I would have done without my former coworkers at Aventis. I simply don't know. I work with a couple of them in my current job.They know my history,so their sympathy, warmth and compassion helps me make it through every day. My daughter helps me too. She has grown a lot the past year.And yes she does look like her mom.While that is painful it helps me to cope. Because I know Rose, mom and dad would want me to fight, to hang around and take care of her and of her brother, my son, if and when he needs me. So I get some of the strength I need from them.
I try to find other things to do. I am involved in helping the Berry family..in supporting them in their hunt for Johnia's killer. D has made fun of my involvement in that. But I take it seriously. Not for the $70,000 in reward money.Of course I could use the money. But that's not my motivation. I use to read a lot of science fiction.Stuff about parallel and alternate universes.Some scientists believe those universes exist and some don't.But I would like to believe they exist. Because in some of them Rose, mom and dad still live.In some of them Johnia Berry lives and she and her fiancee marry and have kids.Who knows what her kids would do ? Who knows ?Maybe one of her kids developes a cure for cancer, or discovers ftl, faster than light drive and sends mankid to the stars.Who knows what her kids and grandkids and greatgrandchildren would have accomplished ? Now we know they will never have that opprotunity.Because they will never exist in this universe.Johnia's killer took that away from her, from her family and her fiancee and maybe from all the rest of us as well.
Some of you know me.Some of you don't. My real name is Henry..some of you know me as Hank or Wolf or Angrywolf or Riki. Some of them are internet aliases of mine. The internet has been one of the few lifelines I have had in the last 5 years. One of the few refuges ..a place where I can go and let off steam..and find kindred spirits.
My wife was Rose..she died of a heart attack back in 2001.March 12th, 2001. My mom died of cancer in October 2001..Oct 6. My dad died of cancer when I was 17 years old and still in high school.
I suffer major depression from those events.I have been through support groups..therapy at a local mental health clinic..and I was a member of a widow/widower support group.None of that has helped.Yes I was on antidepressant pills....I've have been on three different combinations of pills on various occasions as prescribed by my doctor...but recently I stopped taking them. I feel they have made me too complacent...that they dealt too much with the symptoms I was having and not the issues. I believe , while under the influence of medication..I ignored certain issues that need to be addressed. So I stopped taking them.
So I suffered through a miserable Christmas and New Years. I have every since...I lost my loved ones back in 2001..but I didn't have my medication to assist me this time and it was very difficult. Plus we're in something of a financial crisis..so I didn't have money to buy presents for anybody...not even for myself. I've never been a money grubber..someone preoccupied with making it or spending it. But I really needed it ..to buy things to help me cope and this time I simply didn't have it. I blame myself for that..but I also blame D and her family..I 've spent all my resources taking care of them and now I have nothing left. She has made some very bad decisions as well....spending money on things she shouldn't have and tithing money away to the church when we needed it for other things. D cannot work because of her medical problems..so I am the only source of income we have. So I need to find other ways to make money.The pressure of that need has made my already difficult life even more difficult.
Who is D ? I prefer not to think of D as my wife..although we are married.I feel my wife..was Rose and Rose is dead.D is my help mate..someone I met who I thought would be helpful.I would help her and her family and she would help me. But it has been far too one-sided. I've had to give way too much and not received enough in return. Sometimes I think my sense of compassion will be my undoing and this may be it.I felt compassion for D and her family..so I made it possible for them to come to this city.The grandchildren have grown and prospered.Her daughter has prospered. But I've had to spend all my savings taking care of them.Now I have nothing left. My family hasn't benefitted.My son acted stupid, quit school and moved out.Stupid. He lives with his girlfriend now.I had heard a rumor..she might be pregnant..and I was glad to find out from him when he came to visit Christmas that it wasn't true. As it is I am mortified they are living together.I don't want to slander/libel the poor young woman but to call her plain would be an understatement. Rose would turn over in her grave to know her son was living with that woman but there's nothing I can do.He's over 18 so it's his choice. At least he's still alive.Back when he was going to community college he wrecked two vehicles. He could very easily have been killed but escaped without a scratch. So God was looking out for him. Too bad God hasn't looked out for Rose, mom and dad.
The question of God.I went to middle TN and stood in the rain and the cold on New Years Day and cried at the graves of Rose and mom. I told my old pastor in middle TN that I believe God abandoned us.And I do.I do believe that. We're not suppose to question God but I do.I have no choice but to.Where was he the night of March 12, 2001 ? Where was he while my dad was lying in a coma in the hospital and my mom was moaning in pain in the hospital ? Nowhere to be found. There's nothing good about death.D tried to say that Rose might be better off, or mom and dad might be better off because they're no longer in pain. What nonsense. If they're dead they're dead..to quote the movie "Ben Hur". Yes they're dead, but there's nothing good about it.I suffer.My kids suffer.Our lives have been destroyed. Nothing is good anymore.
How do I cope ? I work. I have a decent job.Not great but decent. I work with fine people.That helps.I don't know what I would have done without my former coworkers at Aventis. I simply don't know. I work with a couple of them in my current job.They know my history,so their sympathy, warmth and compassion helps me make it through every day. My daughter helps me too. She has grown a lot the past year.And yes she does look like her mom.While that is painful it helps me to cope. Because I know Rose, mom and dad would want me to fight, to hang around and take care of her and of her brother, my son, if and when he needs me. So I get some of the strength I need from them.
I try to find other things to do. I am involved in helping the Berry family..in supporting them in their hunt for Johnia's killer. D has made fun of my involvement in that. But I take it seriously. Not for the $70,000 in reward money.Of course I could use the money. But that's not my motivation. I use to read a lot of science fiction.Stuff about parallel and alternate universes.Some scientists believe those universes exist and some don't.But I would like to believe they exist. Because in some of them Rose, mom and dad still live.In some of them Johnia Berry lives and she and her fiancee marry and have kids.Who knows what her kids would do ? Who knows ?Maybe one of her kids developes a cure for cancer, or discovers ftl, faster than light drive and sends mankid to the stars.Who knows what her kids and grandkids and greatgrandchildren would have accomplished ? Now we know they will never have that opprotunity.Because they will never exist in this universe.Johnia's killer took that away from her, from her family and her fiancee and maybe from all the rest of us as well.
posted by WOLF PACK LEDGER at
2:45 PM
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