Wolfpack Dialog

2010-07-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

It's 2010 now.

Things haven't changed for the better.

The 4th of July came and went.

Nothing from J.
I guess he doesn't care about his old man very much.
I did tell him it was silly for him to want to quit his job in a recession and move to Fla with no job, no money, and not knowing anyone down there.Maybe he's mad at me about that.

Last December my mom and dad's house burned.My sisters had let the insurance lapse so there's no way to afford to rebuild it.

That house was my home. I could go back there and feel some measure of relief. I was planning to go back there for Christmas and hope I would feel better about things.
Now I don't even have that.
I don't have any money to help my sisters.
It's so bad and so frustrating I could scream.
I tell them to sell the property but they keep ignoring me.
I offered to let them come live with me.They prefer to live in a motel room.
I guess the county will eventually just take the land for unpaid taxes..and that will be the end of it.

D had bonchitis..that turned into pneumonia. I also have it but I am not going to the doctor.I'll survive.D is in the hospital.
Where she can stay a few days and let me have some peace without her.

I am glad to be back with my blog.I hope I can post more often.

2007-06-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

It has been a while.Since April.Here I am on a Carnival Cruise ship docked at Nassau the Bahamas.I should never have let D talk me into coming on the cruise.She didn't save enough money for us to have a good time so it's a wasted effort.I've had to push her all over the ship and we had a falling out at the beach at Nassau because I had problems pushing her across the sand.She actually hit me on the arm.So it's over as far as our doing anything else worthwhile on this vacation.I'll never go on vacation with her again.The money would have been much better spent paying bills.
I wish I had never met her.I only got involved with her because I needed someone to look after my kids.I didn't expect J to be such a nucklehead so I can't blame her for his failings. I didn't know she would be so mean to R and get R so intimidated she can't learn to think straight.It's bad.I wanted something good but while D's family has prospered mine has suffered.D has been bad for me and bad for mykids.And that's a shame.
I can look at the guys with the nice looking wives on the ship and think of Rose and wish she were here with me.I envy those guys.God blessed them and he cursed my family for some unexplained reason. I can look at the nice looking young women, the Paris Hilton wannabe in her bikini and the others and remember when Rose was young and beautiful and wipe the tears from my eyes and curse the days since March 12, 2001.It's bad when you lose your manhood and know in your hardest of hearts you're no longer a man .You're scarcely a human being anymore.I've lost all of that.I'm an android.No longer a man.A shadow of my former self.Just holding on for R's sake, for the sake of my daughter as Rose and mom and dad would want me to. That's all I have left.
The NJ detective dropped the case of my friend.I know she's dead.I guessI should have expected a missing persons detective to be incompetent.I tried to help but there's nothing I can do.
Johnia Berry.I don't know what to do there.Check out the medical center down there and try to find out who JA's friends are and hope one of his friends can provide info to solve the case.Put myself at risk and maybe kill two birds with one stone.My legacy, such as it is, so I can end things on a high note.

2007-04-04T13:26:00.001-07:00

People I share birthdays with;

Fergie 1975 Hacienda Heights, CAMariah Carey 1970 New York, NYMichael York 1942 Fulmer, Buckinghamshire, EnglandNathan Fillion 1971 Edmonton, AlbertaQuentin Tarantino 1963 Knoxville, TennesseeTalisa Soto 1967 Brooklyn, New York

2007-04-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

March 27th was my birthday. I was 50 years old.Hard to believe.But a pretty worthless day.Nothing to celebrate.I don't celebrate anything because nothing is worth celebrating. My coworkers did take me and others with birthdays in that time frame out to lunch and I always appreciate that.

2007-03-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

Beautiful pictures of our universe starting with Saturn:

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/popup?id=1884338&content=&page=1

Makes you want to climb into your spaceship and go take a peek....smile.....

2007-03-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know......
I talked to an investigator from NJ today about Christine. I thought I would feel good but I feel sad.I am tired of pain and suffering.Tired of death.If someone killed her that's someone else I liked gone. Why me ? I am not the caped crusader.I am not the person who should be seeking justice for others. Why can't the people who should be doing this be doing this.I know. Sometimes people drop the ball and people like me have to fill in the blanks.But I'm too old and too dispirited for this crime fighting/crime solving to become a second career. Let the people who get paid for this do it. My big heart is getting old and the arteries are blocked.

2007-03-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sleep driving ?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17610098/

That's weird. I couldn't see myself sleep walking much less sleep driving. I guess some people are susceptible to some autosuggestion to do strange things like walking or driving in their sleep.But not me. We're all different though.

The 12th was the anniversary of Rose's death.My friend C sent me an e card, which was nice. Of course I hate that day.I hate all days.I hate everything I hate myself and my life. If I could turn into the HULK and crack the world like an egg I would. I have all this anger in my heart that I have to look for ways to assuage it.It's somewhat less intense than it use to be.It was very intense at one time.Less so now.But it hasn't gone away.I don't think I want it to.I don't see it an an illness like my doctor does.He thinks in terms of my getting well.I see it as a part of me, like something I have that I can't and shouldn't have removed.It's a part of me I can't do without.

I love astronomy. I use to go out at night when I was young and look at the stars on a cold winter night when the viewing is at its best. Of course I was also a very big science fiction fan at the time.So I would imagine what it would be like to travel there aka star trek or star wars and see all the sights.
Of course I also became a big X-Files fan.The thought of aliens actually being here, visiting the earth and interfering in human affairs is something I'm not convinced of.Yes I channel surf at times and see on cable some of the UFO proponents claiming all sorts of things.But I simply haven't seen anything convincing and I have a very hard time, in the post-Watergate era, buying the assertion that our government is capable of hiding the truth from us about it.If someone actually had a crashed ufo or a dead alien body how could anyone hide it ? Why should they ? The major news/media outlets would pay millions for anything like that. So the person who had the proof would be an instant millionaire and I don't think threats from the US military or politicians/FBI/CIA/UN would prevent anyone from selling the story with the proof to back it up.
Too, if aliens really existed , if they're anything like us they probably would have destroyed themselves or would destroy themselves/their planet once they developed the ability to do so.
The Drake equation:
http://www.seti.org/site/pp.asp?c=ktJ2J9MMIsE&b=179073
describes the likelihood of the existence of other civilizations in the galaxy but it doesn't seem to include the possibility that aliens would kill themselves.As Enrico Fermi, one of the physicists who developed the A-bomb reportedly said , if they existed they would be here I tend to agree, but that doesn't mean they haven't killed themselves.

2007-03-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

Of course there's always something weird in the news and this one was too good to pass up:

http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070306/GPG0101/703060562/1207/GPGnews

Man claims to be a werewolf who can change his shape....That's funny.I thought only I could do that. I was a big fan of werewolves. The short-lived Fox tv show "Werewolf" was one of my favorites. There have been various representations of werewolves on the X-Files, Friday the 13th "the series" and other horror/fantasy/science fiction shows and movies. Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman was a recent example of that. An American werewolf in London.An American werewolf in Paris. An American werewolf in...well..Knoxville...hahahahahahaha. Sometimes I wish. I would be a "good werewolf", if such a thing were possible.

Of course we all want to be a hero. Right ? Well, most of us do. Most of us want to be looked up to.Most of us want to "do the Right thing ". D said I am a hero, that I saved her family by moving them away from the gangs and the drugs to placid, well, relatively placid east TN. Of course I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a failure. No amount of platitudes will ever change that. As a 'freebird", Freebird being one of my favorite songs I can't change. I know it's ironic, a little too ironic dontcha' think ?..and yes that's another of my favorite songs, but it's ironic that a song by a southern rock band should be one of my all time favorites.But it is. I know I can't change. Not even God can get me to change.
I have told D that the only thing that could help me would be for me to speak to my lost loved ones.Like Saul talked to Samuel. D says that wasn't Samuel, that was satan or a demon but the bible, as I have pointed out to her, doesn't say that was the devil or one of his minions.It says Saul spoke to Samuel. If you believe in the bible then you must believe what it says is true. So Saul spoke to Samuel.I would like to speak to Rose, mom and dad .I know God would never allow that to happen. That's the only thing that could help me.

2007-02-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted much lately. You can blame Final Fantasy XII. I bought it recently and I've spent most of my free time playing it. While an ok rpg, role playing game, it leaves a lot to be desired.The character development is poor and I don't relate to the principal characters like I have in other games. Relating to the characters, identifying with them so you could slip into their roles and feel what they feel as they go about their quest to save the world is what makes role playing interesting, at least for me. I just don't feel it in this game.
And yes, I've thought about writing my own game, using one of the game development systems you can either purchase or get for free online. Or writing/developing a movie, either flash or CGI. No it wouldn't be for sale or distribution. It would be for my own edification and personal enjoyment. If I ever do that I would want it to be excellent, which probably means I would need to spend a lot of time learning to write in code and how to manipulate the software I use for the best effects possible and so on and so forth. The movie software, Macromedia Flash for example, is relatively expensive for a hobbyist, so it would mean I would need to look at it as something that was more than just a passing fancy should I decide to go that route. I haven't made up my mind yet.
I thought this was interesting:

http://www.courttv.com/people/2007/0226/plastic_ap.html

Who in their right mind would put plastic across a road ? It reminds me of the tv commercial where the crows; I guess they're crows, shut the sliding glass door and the guy walks into it and the crows, the rascal birds, laugh. While that's a funny tv commerical, putting plastic across a highway could make someone, especially a motorcycle rider lose control and crash so it could result in a felony if someone was injured and the person who did it was caught, as was pointed out in the article. Not much fun in that. I guess some people must be bored to tears and have nothing better to do with their spare time.

2007-02-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day.....
So what ? It means nothing to me now...In fact, it's painful to see people together.It reminds me when I use to buy lunch/dinner over near Parkwest/Cedar Bluff......at a place there..where the owners were very kind to me...I would go there and at times, during the warm months see people holding hands , sitting at the benches and sometimes eating together..and it was all so painful.Sometimes I would get back in my car and weep, the tears raining down my face and curse and beat my fists against the seats.
On Robin and Co today they were showing pictures of couples together. Some of them were elderly. I guess they must be enjoying their "golden years" together. Rose and I never got to have our golden years. My years are bleak, right out of an Edgar Allen Poe poem......I feel I could quote " the Raven " and croak "nevermore" and know all too well what those words mean.

2007-02-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

According to the WJHL website the state of VA has an interactive site that allows you to write your own song:

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/V/VA_SONGWRITING_ONLINE_VAOL-?SITE=VABRM

How interesting....If you wanted to write a song what would it be about ? Mine would be about grief of course...I was listening to NPR yesterday. They are soliciting essays under the title "This I believe"..The one they read yesterday concerned grief, a young woman , a nurse discussed her job and how it related to her own loss and how she believes people need to be allowed to grieve.
Here is the addy if you want to read it and other "This I believe" essays:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4538138

You can submit your own essay....The website tells you how.

People have told me I should write about Rose and my parents, write a journal.I don't have the impetus to do that. Maybe others who are grieving should do it, it might help them to reconcile their grief. I don't believe anything will ever help me to reconcile my own.

2007-01-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

Would you like to be the next maytag repairman ? Here is the addy for the website:

http://www.nextmaytagrepairman.com/

I think that would be a neat gig.

2007-01-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here watching the Law and Order version of the Jon Benet Ramsey case starring Amber Lee. Of course the Jon Benet case haunts me as it does most people I believe. I got banned from Websleuths because I refused to go along with the crowd there.They believe Jon Benet was killed by John and/or Patsy Ramsey and are so vicious they want to punish anybody who disagrees. Sad but true. I don't care about Websleuths. They're so narrow minded and intolerant there I don't want to be there. I guess in the final analysis it shows how emotional people feel about Jon Benet. She's sort of America's dream child. Would she have been a big star ? I don't know. I hope we know the truth someday. Her tragedy has touched so many lives the truth is the only thing that can heal the wounds her death has caused.

Of course we have our own unsolved murder here in Knoxville, the Johnia Berry murder case.I wonder if the new Sheriff will actually try to solve it.

2007-01-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

Look at this story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/wiltshire/6279715.stm

Now look at the police officer's face....

Priceless...

2007-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in psychics ? Apparently a psychic told one of the parents of one of those missing boys out of Mo that the boy was dead. So the so-called psychic was mistaken. Does this mean all psychics are phonies ? I don't believe in them. Sure, they are right sometimes. But nobody has any psychic power.Any real magic. No one has a gift from God like we can read about in the Bible.The spirit of divination.Anything like that.I don't believe God would allow a mere human, with all of our flaws, to have that kind of power. So it's a mistake to depend on a psychic to find a missing person , a killer, or for anything else. Not pointing the finger at anyone specifically.Just I wouldn't depend on a psychic to solve my problems.

2007-01-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

I sent an email to the Jersey City New Jersey police about Christine.I hope they respond.I never got a response from the New Jersey state police. So I'll give the Jersey City cops a chance to respond.If I hear nothing from them I 'm writing the New Jersey Attorney General.

2007-01-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

What's your favorite song ?

I have several. Linkin Parks' The End and Numb. David Bowie's Fame and Golden Years. Lynard Skynard's Freebird, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams, the Elton John and George Michael duet of Don't Let the Sun Go Down on me...there are so many. Most of them sad songs because.."sad songs mean so much"..and yes that's another of my favorites as well. I use to have several of them on my computer, on cds or tapes and I would listen to them when I was home alone or in the car and cry my eyes out. In the last year or two , thanks to my computer crashing and my tapes and cds being lost/misplaced or tearing up I don't have those songs anymore but I feel the need to get them again. To listen to them again. Maybe I'll go up to the disc exchange or cats and try to get them.

There's a new test for rheumatoid arthritis.Here's the an addy with information about it:

http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=109&STORY=/www/story/10-27-2006/0004461031&EDATE=

As there are several other medical conditions and diseases that mimic RA and would show up as positive on the old RA tests the specificity of this new test should improve the reliability of the diagnosis of the disease. Something for all you arthritis sufferers to cheer about.

2007-01-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

Fallen Angel.....
It's my favorate flash movie, although it's a teaser.The first episode hasn't been completed yet.

Here's is the Newgrounds addy:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/192340

A very violent piece of work. If you go to the fallen angel website and read the writer's comments it is suppose to take place after a nuclear war. Do you believe a post nuclear war scenario could actually happen, where civilization has broken down and people are literally at each other's throats ? I do. Maybe I've watched too many of those kinds of movies. Read too many of those kinds of books. Of course there are people out there, survivalists, who want that kind of thing to happen. It would be their dream. All that death and destruction. They imagine they could rebuild some sort of fascist state, a Fourth Reich ala Hitler in its place. They're fools.

2007-01-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

Sleepless on a Sunday night...

It's 1am on a Monday morning and here I am writing. I've been watching Dr G Medical Examiner. I like Dr G. Of course there's been a flurry of medical examiner shows. Our own medical examiner here in Knox County, Dr Sandra Elkins got involved in that sort of thing.She got sued.Her boss in Nashville got sued for something similar.Using the bodies of the dead without their families' permission.I don't know who paid off the families. Whether it was the doc, the State of TN, or her employers since she is also a LABCORP employee.Plus she teaches classes for the University of TN. At least that is what I have heard and read. I wonder how she has the time to do all of that. She must be a very busy person.

Of course I am busy.I sent in my application to become a community columnist for the News Sentinel.I hope I am selected. It would be something different for me. Another way to make a living.
What I don't know is whether I still have the intensity to do that sort of thing. My anger is what has been driving me. I believe it feeds my writing.I feel inspired to write when I am angry.Now I feel my intensity starting to fade. I am getting burned out. I am old, fat and tired. I am despondent. So what can I do to revive my intensity ? Maybe if I am selected as a columnist where I know for sure people will be reading what I write that will inspire me.I hope that is the case. I wonder if I'll get a press pass and be able to go to special events and get/obtain interviews, seeing people I usually wouldn't get to see if I am selected.We shall see.

I went to the meeting friday night. It wasn't a surprise nobody from law enforcement came. They must be very embarrased and very insecure to make the excuse they made, that the publicity had hindered the investigation.It's funny because other law enforcement people say how much they need the help of the public in solving cases while the Sheriff apparently doesn't want any. It's a rather cowardly excuse they made. It's disgusting.
I wish I could solve the case.Maybe it would help me feel good about something.I haven't felt good about anything since Rose died. I don't know if I can ever feel good, but if I could solve this case maybe it would help. This isn't about the money for me.It's about ..redemption.I guess that's the only way I can describe it. Redemption.

I never did hear anything back from the NJ state police. I did a zabasearch and found someone in Jersey City, NJ with the same last name. Christine's last name. It's an unusual last name.So I am thinking of emailing the Jersey City police department and asking them to look into it.Maybe they will listen. If they would tell me she is ok I would be satisfied with that. She told me a lot of things in her emails.She has been through a lot. She deserves better. I wish I had had money so I could have helped Christine. I have this big heart but it's worthless to me. Absolutely worthless. It doesn't do me any good, despite all my good intentions.

2007-01-17T18:23:00.000-08:00

Conspiracy theory....

Do you believe in conspiracy theories ? I remember the movie by the same name that starred Mel Gibson. He was the publisher of a magazine that espoused all sorts of wild conspiracy theories.What got him in trouble is that one of those theories turned out to be true.
Of course there are several conspiracy theories out there. There's the one about the assassination of Abrahm Lincoln.There was even a book written about that one several years back. If I remember correctly the late Robert Urich starred in a short lived tv show called the Lazarus Man that was about a Lincoln conspiracy. Conspiracies theories about the assassinations of JFK and Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and other famous people from history exist.
Of course there was the tv show "THE X FILES". It was full of conspiracies. The truth is out there. On cable tv you watch the ufo shows that claims this is being kept from us or that is being kept from us. We know Area 51 really exists but the military denies that is does.It's so stupid for them to deny such an obvious fact.
I don't know if aliens exist or if the USAF has a dead alien or a flying saucer hidden somewhere.I don't really care if they do. I don't need to know every secret the Pentagon has. I don't think our military secrets need to be publicized in the news media.
What I do need to know if there were conspiracies to kill any of our leaders like JFK and Martin Luther King. I do need to know if there were conspiracies that got us into the war in Iraq. Those are the sort of conspiracy theories I need to know about. I need to know if they are just theories or are facts.
Do you believe in any conspiracy theories ?

2007-01-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

CHIMERA....
What is a chimera ? If you check out Wikipedia online it says a chimera is a mythological monster made up of the parts of different creatures/animals. There are other definitions but most of them say pretty much the same.
Thanks to Atom Films I stumbled across the film Chimera made by DAVE'S SCHOOL. The film is based upon a comic strip.Here is the addy for it on youtube. I believe it's the best short film made by any amateur group.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj1i9H5ToZc

To my surprise, while goggling the word chimera I came across something else, a bill that would prohibit the creation of human chimeras. Here is some of the information about it. The author of the bill is Senator Sam Brownback, a possible republican candidate for President.

http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c109:s.659:

and here is the current status of the bill:

http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d109:s.00659:

It was referred to the Senate Judiciary committee.

I don't know what prompted Brownback to write this bill. With all the problems this country had why write a bill like this ?It's not like we're even close , in a scientific sense to doing anything like this. I guess Brownback was trying to come up with something pro-life in his view to get the attention of his conservative supporters. I am pro-life but I don't see any real purpose in taking up the time of our Congress with this legislation.
What do you think ? With the support for embronic stem cell research we are told is out there in the public, should we be concerned about creating new life forms.It's one thing to have research to find a cure for cancer and other diseases but should the research go beyond that ? Should any and all chimeras be banned ? Would you be disturbed by the creation of a dog-cat hybrid for example ? Would you want one as a pet ?

2007-01-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

Criminals...
What makes a person a criminal ?I think it's worth discussing. I believe it's the person's mindset and their belief system. A person's race has nothing to do with it. So there are black criminals, white criminals, asian criminals, American-Indian and Australian aborigines who are criminals. Likewise you have victims of all races.So why the claim by some that the killing of the young couple here was a hate crime ? It wasn't. I believe it was simply a matter of greed and opprotunity.The young people were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. The victims could have been of any race and their race was not a relevant factor in the minds of the perpertrators. It was they were there, alone and in a place where they could be taken hostage without anyone seeing it happen. The victims could have been black and it wouldn't have deterred the perpertrators.
I don't like all the racists coming out and saying hateful things about blacks because of this case.The case is tragic.My heart goes out to those young people who lost their lives and to their families.But to have the racists come out, like cockroaches coming out at night, is dishearteneing and discouraging. It shows how uneducated those people are. It shows, as MLK Day is here, that we have a very long way to go and conservatives who say that race is not a problem in this country are simply blind to reality.

2007-01-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

Armageddon...
What does that word mean ? I have heard it used so many times by ministers telling their congregations the end times were at hand. I think we all have heard it so much it's become like chicken little . The sky is falling and it's armageddon. Do you expect to see it in your lifetime ? I don't expect to see it in ours.I simply don't.I think we'll all be cozily and comfortably dead and buried when it happens. That's what I want.I don't want to be here and see it happen. Who wants to see millions die in nuclear/biological/ or chemical attacks ? Who wants to see it happen in this country ? Who wants to see it on CNN, Fox, and the networks ? I don't. I use to be a big science fiction fan. I saw all the old 50's and 60's end of the world flicks on a local movie hour called "THE BIG SHOW" that ran on the cbs affiliate in Nashvile when I was growing up. Nuclear war and devastation. I read as many end of the world novels as I could. Because of my job I am familiar with the effects of those agents..chemical, biological and nuclear...on the human body.So I don't want to see it.I believe we are closer to it happening. Because of AL QUEDA..and because of George W. Bush.We are closer to the end. But we're not quite there yet.

2007-01-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

What is evil ? I don't know what it is. Can you tell me what it is ? I know it when I see it. I know it because of the way I was brought up to recognize it when I see it. My father was a deacon in the Baptist church. So I went to church every Sunday, read my bible and I was taught what evil deeds were.What evil people did. But evil wasn't defined other than as something related to people or to Satan/Lucifer/the Devil.
I know the people who killed that young couple in East Knoxville are evil people. It bothers me that someone would take those young lives so callously. I don't have much faith in Tim Hutchinson.But I do have confidence in the KPD homicide investigators. They will find whoever did this.
My heart goes out to those families...I use to hear the phrase..whatever doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Somehow misery is ok. No matter who dies.... no matter who you lose.Everything will be all right. If they were good and you are good...good being defined as fulfilling God's requirements as spelled out in the Bible.....you would see your lost loved ones in heaven someday. That's cold comfort.

2007-01-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

Apparently Google likes me.They've agreed to put ads on this blog. I appreciate that. So please please please tell your friends.I need all the support I can get.

I never got to say goodbye.It reminds me of the old song..Never Can Say Goodbye..an old Jackson 5 song...that Michael sang. I never got to say goodbye to Rose.Or to mom and dad. Or to anyone I ever cared about who passed away. I don't believe in ghosts.Or people who claim they can talk to them or see them. The Bible is full of stories about people talking to the dead...written long before the movie" The Sixth Sense". I can't see dead people.I can't talk to them.The Bible discourages us from doing that sort of thing.Suffer not a witch to live it says.But if there was a witch of Endor I would go pay her a visit. I would ask her to help me talk to Rose and to mom and dad.Simply because I never got to say goodbye. I would say all those things I never got to say. All the words I never got to speak. "I am sorry " I would say, because I feel all this guilt.All this pain. That I couldn't save them.That I didn't save them. Talking to my lost loved ones would be the one way...the only way I could achieve some measure of peace to my life.Nothing else would do.

2007-01-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

There is a 20 hr a week job advertised on the Knoxville News Sentinel website so I applied for that. Please wish me luck.We must have additional income.
I've tossed about other solutions in my head.Writing a book is one of them. I don't know if anybody would be interested in reading a book about me.It would be about the last years of my life. It certainly wouldn't be like one of those optomistic..one day at a time sweet Jesus sort of self help books you see on the shelves that sell so well. No. It would be a bleak very dark narrative filled with anger and despair. Hahahaha. But I would have to have something in it to make people want to buy it. I don't know what that would be. But I would have to find something to make it a success.It would have to be a success.

It has been a year since I have heard anything from Christine .Who is Christine ? She is an email pal of mine. I guess she's 19....possibly 20 by now and I am worried about her.You see, she told me in her last email that her stepfather had sexually assaulted her. I told her to go to the police. So nothing since. The problem is, she told me she was schizophrenic. There were times her doctors put her in the hospital for her schizophrenia. So I don't know if she was telling me the truth about the assault. I don't know if she is locked up in some mental hospital somewhere...or if she is the victim of foul play to prevent her from reporting her rape to the police. I know.I should have done something sooner. I know that. I know I have waited long enough.I will contact the NJ State Police. That is where she lives. If I don't get any response from them I will contact the TBI and go from there.

It's strange that crime has become such a part of my life. Sure, I grew up reading Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie and Martha Grimes but they weren't what I really cared to read about. Not what I felt passionately about. Never thought I would care that much or be so involved in real life crimes. I was really a science fiction fan. I went to science fiction conventions.I even met Stephen King once. I wrote science fiction and fantasy stories and shared them with pen pals I had back then.Way back then. Occasionally I would watch America's Most Wanted but I was not a big fan of the show. The crime magazines that use to dot the shelves are gone and have been gone for a very long time.I use to flick through the rare Alfred Hitchcock or Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine I would see at the bookstore or at the library, but I was not a big fan of those. My sister Linda was though. My Aunt Sam was. I guess it must be in the blood, if you'll pardon the pun.

2007-01-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm going to discuss a variety of things today. Some of them you may approve off..some of them you may not. I would welcome input from anyone as to how to proceed with this blog...and with my life.
Some of you know me.Some of you don't. My real name is Henry..some of you know me as Hank or Wolf or Angrywolf or Riki. Some of them are internet aliases of mine. The internet has been one of the few lifelines I have had in the last 5 years. One of the few refuges ..a place where I can go and let off steam..and find kindred spirits.
My wife was Rose..she died of a heart attack back in 2001.March 12th, 2001. My mom died of cancer in October 2001..Oct 6. My dad died of cancer when I was 17 years old and still in high school.
I suffer major depression from those events.I have been through support groups..therapy at a local mental health clinic..and I was a member of a widow/widower support group.None of that has helped.Yes I was on antidepressant pills....I've have been on three different combinations of pills on various occasions as prescribed by my doctor...but recently I stopped taking them. I feel they have made me too complacent...that they dealt too much with the symptoms I was having and not the issues. I believe , while under the influence of medication..I ignored certain issues that need to be addressed. So I stopped taking them.
So I suffered through a miserable Christmas and New Years. I have every since...I lost my loved ones back in 2001..but I didn't have my medication to assist me this time and it was very difficult. Plus we're in something of a financial crisis..so I didn't have money to buy presents for anybody...not even for myself. I've never been a money grubber..someone preoccupied with making it or spending it. But I really needed it ..to buy things to help me cope and this time I simply didn't have it. I blame myself for that..but I also blame D and her family..I 've spent all my resources taking care of them and now I have nothing left. She has made some very bad decisions as well....spending money on things she shouldn't have and tithing money away to the church when we needed it for other things. D cannot work because of her medical problems..so I am the only source of income we have. So I need to find other ways to make money.The pressure of that need has made my already difficult life even more difficult.
Who is D ? I prefer not to think of D as my wife..although we are married.I feel my wife..was Rose and Rose is dead.D is my help mate..someone I met who I thought would be helpful.I would help her and her family and she would help me. But it has been far too one-sided. I've had to give way too much and not received enough in return. Sometimes I think my sense of compassion will be my undoing and this may be it.I felt compassion for D and her family..so I made it possible for them to come to this city.The grandchildren have grown and prospered.Her daughter has prospered. But I've had to spend all my savings taking care of them.Now I have nothing left. My family hasn't benefitted.My son acted stupid, quit school and moved out.Stupid. He lives with his girlfriend now.I had heard a rumor..she might be pregnant..and I was glad to find out from him when he came to visit Christmas that it wasn't true. As it is I am mortified they are living together.I don't want to slander/libel the poor young woman but to call her plain would be an understatement. Rose would turn over in her grave to know her son was living with that woman but there's nothing I can do.He's over 18 so it's his choice. At least he's still alive.Back when he was going to community college he wrecked two vehicles. He could very easily have been killed but escaped without a scratch. So God was looking out for him. Too bad God hasn't looked out for Rose, mom and dad.

The question of God.I went to middle TN and stood in the rain and the cold on New Years Day and cried at the graves of Rose and mom. I told my old pastor in middle TN that I believe God abandoned us.And I do.I do believe that. We're not suppose to question God but I do.I have no choice but to.Where was he the night of March 12, 2001 ? Where was he while my dad was lying in a coma in the hospital and my mom was moaning in pain in the hospital ? Nowhere to be found. There's nothing good about death.D tried to say that Rose might be better off, or mom and dad might be better off because they're no longer in pain. What nonsense. If they're dead they're dead..to quote the movie "Ben Hur". Yes they're dead, but there's nothing good about it.I suffer.My kids suffer.Our lives have been destroyed. Nothing is good anymore.

How do I cope ? I work. I have a decent job.Not great but decent. I work with fine people.That helps.I don't know what I would have done without my former coworkers at Aventis. I simply don't know. I work with a couple of them in my current job.They know my history,so their sympathy, warmth and compassion helps me make it through every day. My daughter helps me too. She has grown a lot the past year.And yes she does look like her mom.While that is painful it helps me to cope. Because I know Rose, mom and dad would want me to fight, to hang around and take care of her and of her brother, my son, if and when he needs me. So I get some of the strength I need from them.

I try to find other things to do. I am involved in helping the Berry family..in supporting them in their hunt for Johnia's killer. D has made fun of my involvement in that. But I take it seriously. Not for the $70,000 in reward money.Of course I could use the money. But that's not my motivation. I use to read a lot of science fiction.Stuff about parallel and alternate universes.Some scientists believe those universes exist and some don't.But I would like to believe they exist. Because in some of them Rose, mom and dad still live.In some of them Johnia Berry lives and she and her fiancee marry and have kids.Who knows what her kids would do ? Who knows ?Maybe one of her kids developes a cure for cancer, or discovers ftl, faster than light drive and sends mankid to the stars.Who knows what her kids and grandkids and greatgrandchildren would have accomplished ? Now we know they will never have that opprotunity.Because they will never exist in this universe.Johnia's killer took that away from her, from her family and her fiancee and maybe from all the rest of us as well.

2006-12-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog in a long time.I am starting this to get restarted in the genre.My old blog got some unwelcomed visitors.I hope this one fares better.From time to time I will be putting pictures and I hope, if the software allows it, videos here that you will find interesting.At least I think you will find them interesting.I AM NOT THE BEST WRITER IN THE WORLD BUT AS PEOPLE KNOW, I AM OPIONIONATED. I AM NOT SHY ABOUT SHARING THOSE OPINIONS.SMILE. So this is the start.